Crocodile And Friends Discover Reality TV
by Beanstalks
Summary: Crocodile has captured Robin and Revolutionaries, among others. Now he's forcing them to help them in his latest money-making scheme: reality TV.
1. Chapter 1

Crocodile loomed over his captives and gave them a wicked smile.

He escaped from Impel Down. A Revolutionary named Ivankov brought him on this island to help free the slaves. Too bad Ivankov (and the other Revolutionaries) never expected Crocodile would betray them.

"You'll never get away with this!" Robin said to him.

"But I just did," Crocodile responded.

"I know the Strawhats will save me!"

"_Riiight_. In the meantime, I need all of you to help me."

"And why should we?" Dragon asked, fiddling with his sea-stone chains.

"Because I need to raise money so Mr. 1 and I can go to the new world."

"Hi," Mr. 1 said to them.

"Hi," Robin responded casually. She said to Crocodile, "And what makes you think we'll help?"

Crocodile laughed and announced, "I'll free you all when I'm done! Robin, I met Luffy, I'll help you get to him."

"Me too!" Ivankov screamed happily.

"We're going to run a network."

"A network of tunnels?" Dragon asked. "An underground network not unlike the mafia? What kind of tunnel?"

"A reality TV network!"

Ivankov jumped up and exclaimed, "Oh, how fun! I was born to be a star, baby! _Born_."

"I have some equipment from my music video days-"

"You're Croco D. Ile, aren't you?" one captive asked.

"Yes, you've heard of me. Would you like an autograph?"

"No thanks! Do you know The Artist Formerly Known As Mr. Prince? 'cuz he mentions you a lot in his songs. I would like _his _autograph, please."

"Err, enough about my former career. I will now be focusing on my _new career_: actor, director, producer, network head-"

"You know nothing about media," Robin said. "That's why you failed so miserable at everything before. That, and lack of music talent."

"I never heard complaints from our dating service patrons. Not to mention, the high sales of our little video."

"_OOOOOOOOOOH,_" many of the captives exclaimed.

"Told you that was her," one captive said to another.


	2. Pirate and Pregnant

**Show: Pirate and Pregnant**

**Based on: 16 and Pregnant**

**Starring: Nico Robin, Crocodile**

* * *

"Wait, '_Pirate and Pregnant_?'" Robin asked the cameraslaves. "And why am I the star of the show? Am I supposed to...talk to and interview guests or something?"

"About that..." Crocodile chuckled. "You're pregnant!"

Everyone stood there, shocked.

"What?" Robin asked in a flat voice.

"Yeah, while you were sleeping I turned into sand and...well...It was to make sure you would think twice about betraying Baroque Works."

"Dude, not cool!" one slave shouted. "Rape isn't funny!"

"_Especially_ when it's male-on-female," a gaffer-slave added. "Male-on-male or female-on-male are allowed."

"Double-standards are weird," Crocodile said. "We should all be allowed to rape eachother for profit."

Robin walked up to Crocodile and spit in his face.

"You better hope I'm not pregnant," Robin said. "The world doesn't need another one of you."

"You are: Ivankov was able to test your hormones when he got here."

"You unspeakable monster!"

"Hormones, hormones. I hope we get a boy."

"Your crimes will not go unpunished. A girl."

"What?"

"...I hope we..._I _have a girl, so I could name her after my mother."

"Alright, everyone! And _action!_"

"So how do you feel about being pregnant?" an interviewer-slave asked. She dressed in a bright pink suit.

"I will murder Crocodile for his injustice," Robin muttered.

The interviewer turned towards the camera and said, "As you can see, it's very hard for pirates to raise children, what with crime rates high, constant attacks and being pursued by the law. Many pirates leave their child and significant other on land, where they are not usually sought after and can leave a free and easier life."

"You have a point there," Robin said.

"Of course, being a single parent isn't easy, as you will learn from Robin here, tee-hee!"

Robin was now banging her head against a wall, chanting, "I hate my life, I hate my life.."


	3. Survivor

**Show: Survivor**

**Based on: Survivor (durr)**

**Starring: Slaves, Crocodile.**

* * *

The slaves were separated into the Red Team and Blue Team.

Leading the Red Team was Dragon, and consisted of several slaves.

Leading the Blue Team was Inazuma, and consisted of several slaves.

Crocodile joined the Teams on a beach near a bridge.

"Greetings," Crocodile told them. "I am your host. You may call me Croco D. Ile. That will be my stage name-"

"Yeah, yeah," Inzauma said casually.

"What are we supposed to do?" Dragon asked.

Croco sighed and said, "Eh, just...Alright, here's the plan."

Everyone drew in closer.

"The objective of today's challenge is to race to the top of the bridge first. Ready, set, go!"

The players paused to take this all in.

"The winner of the game will be free, by the way."

The players burst towards the bridge.

"I can't use my Devil Fruit powers," Dragon told Inazuma as they ran towards the bridge.

"The cuffs," he responded. "Dragon, you have a collar around your neck."

"So do you...Come to think of it, so does everyone else."

"Perhaps they are seastone, a back-up plan in case we lose our cuffs."

Inazuma jumped over a rock. Dragon, who was too busy talking to notice, tripped over another rock and slammed into the ground.

The race wore on until a member of the Blue Team, a marine (now a slave, of course) named Fullbody, climbed the bridge and won.

The players gathered around Crocodile and waited for instructions.

"Well? Am I free?" Fullbody asked him.

"Yes," Croco said.

"_Yes!"_

"No, you're not. I was was just trying to mess with you."

"Aw...!"

"Red Team, you must now vote and decide who will be eliminated."

The Red Team discussed among themselves.

* * *

**Dragon, facing the camera and in a chair: **It was hard to choose who we'd take out. We all did so well! But we decided to eliminate Leis. He was...a good friend, ally, but, uh, he wouldn't last in the long run. It's what's best for the team.

* * *

"Well, I have calculated your votes," Croco said. "And Leis, you are eliminated."

Leis groaned and waved to everybody. He started to walk off back to the television set on the other side of the island.

But Croco grabbed him with his hook.

"This is Survivor," Croco said to him.

"Yes..."

"And you were eliminated _from Survivor_."

"Uh-huh?"  
"See where I'm going with this?"

"Uh...no. Does it mean I have to work on another show?"

Croco slashed the man in the chest. Blood spattered _everywhere_, which would be good for the ratings.

"_That's _what it means," Croco said. He turned towards the group. "There's a reason it's called _Survivor_, dumbasses."

He turned towards the camera and said cheerfully, "Look's like Leis was out of luck, hehe! But what will happen next time? Alliances? Betrayal? More murder?"

"..." Leis ...'d

"Find out next time on Survivor!"


	4. My Super Sweet 45

**Show: My Super Sweet 45**

**Based on: My Super Sweet 16**

**Starring: Crocodile**

* * *

"I _demand _you slaves get me presents!" Crocodile screamed. "And and up those banners _straight_. I want my party to be the very best on this planet and money is no object!"  
"But, sir, how many viewers would watch this show?" a lighting-slave asked. "And not a lot of people would relate as much as they would to a younger crowd."

"Not to mention we're spending all the money we have," a cameraslave added.

"Shut up!" Crocodile screeched. "This is my most ingenious show idea _ever!_ Now stop complaining and _finish making my cake!_"

* * *

**Crocodile, sitting in a both and facing the camera: **I was really mad at them for not only stalling production, but they were messing up plans for my birthday! Remind me to poison them when we're done.

* * *

"I will wring your neck if you don't shut up and _hurry up_," Crocodile roared at a passing slave. He needed his birthday to be perfect, PERFECT. But he was surrounded by idiots! Fools and idiots!

Robin appeared behind him and said, "How very mature of you, Crocodile."

"Thanks," he responded, chewing on an unlit cigar. "What are you doing here again?"

"I decided to visit the _father _and talk about child support."

"Only if I get to keep it. I want to make it another work-slave."

"I will _never let you even see this child. _But I would live child support."

"Eh? Fine, whatever, you can keep it. A gift from me for your birthday. But I'm not paying no child support!"

"Agreed."

Nico smiled.

_Excellent, _she though. _The baby will never have to know about this horrible man._

Crocodile punched a passing slave and screamed at him, "Why aren't you wearing a party hat?"


	5. HA! I Caught You!

**Show: HA! I Caught You!**

**Based on: Cheaters**

**Starring: Ivankov and friends**

**Suggested by: Lolly Dream**

* * *

Zoro hated every minute he spent involved with reality TV.

The crew staged an unsuccessful attack on Crocodile to save Robin. Now they were forced to help on the set.

Zoro himself was now helping Ivankov with his show.

* * *

**Crocodile: **I have a feeling my second-in-command is seeing another crew behind my back. Nico Robin is _my _archeologist, she shouldn't be working for another crew! She's all mine and no one else's!

* * *

"Tragic, just tragic," Ivankov said dramatically. "These days people find it okay, _okay _to do such horrible things as working for another crew and betraying their captain or leader's trust. Surely, we must help this _poor man _and either put his fears to rest...or reveal them..._to the world!_"

Zoro grumbled from behind the camera.

"_So _we shall do the honorable thing and _butt in!_ Watch as we make money my manipulating people's emotions and watching their resultant suffering _on TV! _Isn't that wonderful, kittens?"

Zoro played several videos and recordings of Robin and her time on the ship. Mostly from Enies Lobby and Skypia.

Zoro, Ivankov, Crocodile (crying crocodile tears for sympathy, no less) and several crew slaves piled up into Ivankov's van (with a picture of him on one side, the show's name on the other) and drove through the set of _Pirate and Pregnant_.

Robin was trying to brake Luffy and Nami free from their cages, but was finding it very difficult, since the slaves were too afraid of ruining their chances of freedom by upsetting Crocodile.

Ivankov popped out of the van with Crocodile. Zoro tumbled out, camera in his hands. It was a real tight fit, being in a van and between Ivankov and a slave.

Zoro got up and aimed the camera at the fight:

"How dare you!" Crocodile screamed at Robin. "I took you in! I took care of you and gave you a home! I helped you help me find poneglyphs!"

"What are you talking about?" Robin asked angrily.

"I gave my best years for you, and you run off and join these...these Strawhats!"

"After you _stabbed _me."

"You jerk, Crocodile!" Nami said to him. "We heard about what you did to Robin and we're not going to let you get away with it!"

"But, what _is _a dirty movie?" Luffy asked, confused. "A movie about pigs? Hmm, meat..."

Crocodile fell to the floor and started to cry melodramatically. He was really hamming it up for the cameras.

And making Robin look bad.

"What do you have to say for yourself?" Ivankov asked happily, pointing his microphone at Robin's face.

"I'm not ashamed of anything," she responded. "Crocodile is a horrible, abusive person."

"You abandoned me!" Crocodile cried out. "And you lie about me, make me into a villain!"

"You _are _a villain!"  
"_You're _the one with a bounty!"

Several slaves started to boo. But who were they booing: the treasonous liar Robin, or the crybaby eil Crocodile?

Robin started to feel nervous and hoped people were believing her.

"AND CUT!" Ivankov announced.

Zoro turned off the camera and dropped it on the floor.

"Hey, that costs money, moss-head!" Crocodile said rudely as he got off from the floor. No tears were on his face.

"Poor Crocodile!" Luffy said. "Guess you really hurt him, Robin."

"You _believed _him?" Nami screamed, slamming her handcuffed hands into Luffy's face.

"You can join our crew if you want, Crocodile," Luffy asked. Of course, he was so muffled it sounded more like "Wrph whuwhiphke to jophn hpwn cphrew?"

"_Ciao_, everyone," Crocodile said with a smug grin. "I'm off to greatness! I have so many other shows."

He turned towards Robin and blew her a kiss.

Robin felt like gagging.


	6. Dancing with the Crossdressers

**Show: Dancing with the Crossdressers**

**Based on: Dancing with the Stars**

**Starring: Ivankov and friends.**

* * *

"Greetings, babies!" Ivankov announced. He was on an enormous stage, dozens of regular or blue spotlights spinning around him. There was a giant television behind him, shaped like a Den Den Mushi with a screen in the shell. There was an audience, of course.

Everyone in the audience cheered. They had to, since they were slaves and had no other choice.

Ivankov went on, "Each okama, or crossdresser, for you English speakers...will FIGHT!"

"Alright!" Sanji said from behind the stage. "For a second I thought this would be-"

"No, I'm lying! Yee Haw! No, it's a contest in which our contestants become okama and dance in _teams_!"

Sanji and his partner, a heavily-bandages Bon Clay (Spandam), fere put into costume and thrown on-stage.

"First up, Sanji-boy and Bon-boy!" Ivankov announced.

Sanji was about to lunge at Iva when Bon Clay grabbed his arm and whispered, "Don't ruin Iva's plan!"

"What?" Sanji was confused.

"Trust me...and let me lead."

Bon Clay grabbed Sanji by the waist and led him in a waltz.

"This is awkward," Sanji muttered. "Can't we just team up with Iva and the slaves and attack Crocodil-"

"Shut up, I know what I'm doing!"

Bon Clay dipped Sanji. Then they twirled on their toes and did leaps and jumps. Bon Clay started to spin Sanji around and around before finishing off the dance by lifting Sanji over his head and slamming them both into the ground.

The crowd went wild.

"Terrible, boys! It was _wonderful_," Iva announced. "Next up, two slaves who are very important! No, they're not even important enough to have names!"

Two medical slaves carried Sanji and Bon Clay out of the hole in the stage they made. They put them on stretchers and left the area.

Meanwhile, in the control booth, Crocodile was overseeing the show.

"Kuahaha!" Crocodile cackled. "Look at that Sanji guy! He's _miserable_. I almost feel sorry for the guy. I wish Mr. Prince would take his place."

"Didn't you know?" Robin said as she entered the booth. "Mr. Prince is on the island."

"Why do you keep following me? And where is Mr. Prince?"

"Neither of those is important. What's _really important _is that we talk about finding a place for our child. Somewhere the World Government won't find it."

"Like they'd go after a child."

"Like they did around Gold Roger's death? A child of a former Shichibukai and the only person to read poneglyphs would be sought after."

"For blackmailing purposes, I know."

"I know my friends, would love to protect the baby, but on the Thousand Sunny, in Alabasta, anywhere would be unsafe. The Government would hunt it down."

"Yeah, okay."

"Take our child to the New World."

"Where all the world's most dangerous pirates are?"

"Where the World Government doesn't have as much power."

"Uh-huh. Robin, why not just put it amongst the slaves and say it's another person's child?"

"...Because...I'm right about this..."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am!"

"No, you're not the smartest person in the world. Or has being surrounded by those idiot Strawhats boost your ego and made you think you were a genius?"

"I-"

"And you act like you're always the victim."

"_Excuse me?_"

"It might be my fault, too. I wanted to seem like a big-shot, so I went along with it. But you forgot _you _betrayed _me_."

"You...I..."

"And I did some digging around about your history: the _real _reason you're being hunted is because _you _activated the Buster Call."

"What?"

"Those archaeologists on Ohara worked for the Government. Apparently, _you _stole a man named Spandine's Den Den Mushi. _You _ran to show your mommy, tripped and activated the Buster Call."

"That's not true! How could you say such horrible things!"

"Face it, Nico Robin! You must have blocked it all out out of guilt. Same with your attack on me."

"Do you have any proof of my betrayal or stealing that Den Den Mushi?"

"Yes! I found a video-hosting website, YouMushi. I'll show you the video. It's currently rated thee-and-a-half shells."

Robin fell to her knees and started to whimper.

"Why hasn't this been on the news? Why hasn't anyone told me?"

"The Government made themselves look bad to spare the poor little girl's feelings. Hey, no one liked the Government beforehand, so...yeah."

Robin started to cry.

Crocodile started to feel uncomfortable. He said awkwardly, "Hey, wanna see a video of my Bananawani?"

"Sure..." she sniffled.

"It's of one of them eating Mr. 3. Seeing it always makes me feel better."

Behind the stage, Sanji moved his cigarette around his mouth while he tried to remove his costume.

"Don't like being one of us?" Bon Clay asked sadly. He was lying in a bed.

"No, I don't."

"You should really learn to be open-minded."

"You should really learn to shut your yap!"

"You know, girls love a sensitive man. In touch with his inner maiden."

Sanji stopped changing and turned to Bon Clay. His cigarette fell out of his mouth.

And hit his clothes.

He then burst into flames.

"A really flammable dress, I see?" Bon Clay laughed. "I wonder what it's made of?"

"Help me!" Sanji screeched. He started to run around, looking for a washroom.

"I know! I'll _spit _on you?"

"What? Ew, no!"

"No, it'll help."

Bon Clay was helped off the bed by the medical slaves. The three of them started to spit on Sanji, hoping to put out the fire.

"It's not working!" oone medical slave said.

"Keep trying!" Bon Clay said, panicking. "We have to save him! Hold on, my friend!"


	7. Off The Air

**Intermission**

* * *

Sanji was recovering from his wounds, thanks to Chopper's quick assistance and Iva actually doing something helpful by leading Sanji to the showers.

He was in a bed. And disqualified from the competition for ruining his costume. Nevertheless, Iva decided to dress him up once more as a "consolation prize."

Crocodile walked into the room.

"What do you want, Crocodile?" Sanji snapped.

"Where's Sanji?"  
"Right here, why?"

"Here you go, _bella_."

"What did you call me?"

"I have a note for you. Ah, I'll tell you what it says."

"You better! You're lucky I'm all broken, or-"

"You're free."

"What?"

"Someone calling themselves Lolly Dream payed me your bounty's equivalent in cash. Eh, since you're essentially useless now, I guess we can spare you."

"No way! I have to save my friends first-"

"You have pretty eyes."

"What?"

"So you lit yourself on fire, huh? I'm tempted to give you a cigar and see if it'll happen again."

Sanji growled.

"Don't me like that!" Crocodile said with a smirk. "Hey, I can turn on the Radio Mushi and play you a song. What would you like to hear?"

"_Crocdile is a Creep _by The Artist Formerly Known As Mr. Prince."

Crocodile's smirk faded. "YUou actually like that hack?" he asked.

"He's not a hack! He's a talented lady's man with unending beauty and superior cooking skills."

"Bah! _Of course,_ a girl with all beauty and no brains. Goodbye, then."

"What about my freedom?"

"Yeah, forget about that. I want to you use you in my new show, _Defenestrating Sick People_."

"De-fe-ne-strate?"

"I'm going to throw you out of the window and film it. _Ciao, bella._"

Crocodile left Sanji in the room.

Sanji: furious, trapped in his bed, badly burned, spat upon and wearing a dress. Crocodile's laugh stayed in the room, continually tormenting him.

Meanwhile, one furious pirate read about this and planned to save dear Sanji-kun.

There would be blood.

* * *

**Author's Note: Yeah, Sanji means so much to Lolly Dream. I thought they both deserved to be happy. Then I thought, ha ha, look at Sanji get thrown out of a window.**

**Will Sanji-kun stay a prisoner? Will Lolly Dream save him? Will Crocodile throw Sanji out of a window and video tape him? Wait 'till the next show comes on and find out.**

* * *

Crocodile ran into Sanji's room and wrote "I hate Mr. Prince" on Sanji's head.


	8. Survivor Pt 2 and Dumbasses

**Shows: Dumbasses / Survivor**

**Based on: Jackass**

**Starring: Monkey D. Luffy, Zoro and Sanji**

* * *

"Alright, everybody!" Luffy screamed into the camera he was holding. "Today we're gonna be launched into the sky and sea who comes down fit! Ready, Zoro? Sanji?"

"Mrphphro!" Sanji cried, but was muffled by the bandages around his mouth.

"Are you sure about this, Luffy?" Zoro asked. "This is pretty stupid. You beat Crocodile once before; just do it again."

"Ready?" Luffy asked.

"Uh..."

"Mrphjmrph!" Sanji panicked.

"G!" Luffy announced. He grabbed Zoro ad Sanji by the legs, spun them around and launched them into the sky.

He pressed himself into the ground and launched himself up.

"This is great!" Luffy said into the camera. "Let's see how Zoro is doing!"

He turned the camera upward towards Zoro, who was twirling upward as if he was doing cartwheels.

Luffy turned the camera at Sanji, who was who was shooting up like a rocket.

"As you can see," Luffy said to the camera, "it might take a while for us to get down, shishishi!"

* * *

Meanwhile...

"I hated sleeping out on the beach," Inazuma said to Dragon. "And no beds? I say we stop Crocodile, once and for all."

"I say we lure him to the water," Dragon suggested. "We dunk ourselves in and get wet, then attack, maybe force him in."

"Good idea."

Sand surrounded them and wrapped them in cocoons.

"What is this?" Dragon gasped.

"Allow me to explain," Crocodile's voice exploded. "There are cameras watching you _everywhere_. Plus, you're on a beach, filled with _sand._ There's no escaping me."

After a few moments the slaves separated into teams, awaiting Crocodile's orders.

"Here's the thing," Crocodile said to them. "We're going to play tag."

"Huh?" The slaves were confused.

"No, no, no, it'll be interesting: giant hands of hand will shoot out from the beach and crush you. Last one not tagged wins the challenge for their team, along with immunity for next challenge."

"When do we start?" a slave asked.

"Now."

A hand of sand l almost as big as the slave lurched from behind the man and grabbed him.

Crocodile smirked as everyone started to run around.

* * *

"Still rising!" Luffy said happily. "This is really fun! I wish you viewers could experience this with us."

"Luuuuuuuffffyyyyyyyyyy," Zoro's voice echoed. "I'm gonna kill you!"

"Zoro's being a baby," Luffy assured. "We've been in _much _worse situations before! For instance, we were launched into the land of Skypia, so far above that you can't even see it!"

Sanji let out a muffled cry.

Luffy looked upwards and announced, "Hi, Conis! Can you see me?"

"Hi, Luffy!" came Conis's voice. "How are you?"

* * *

Several hands shot out and gripped a few more slaves. Inazuma kicked a hand down and started to run towards the water. His team followed.

"Genius!" Dragon said. "Everyone! To the water! Crocodile can't touch you there!"

Dragon met up with Inazuma.

Inazuma tripped him.

"Sorry, friend," Inazuma said to him. "But I want to win this challenge. Trust me on this."

Dragon grabbed his leg, causing Inazuma to fall to the ground.

A large hand of sand fell down on both of them.

"Bad touch! Bad touch!" Dragon cried out.

* * *

"_Still _flying," Luffy said to the camera in a bored voice. "Hey, look, Sanji's falling!"

Sanji stopped flying and started to descend at a rapid rate.

Luffy turned the camera towards Zoro, who was still flying but slowing down.

Luffy then realized that he was falling, too.

"Finally, some action!"

Zoro aimed himself at Luffy.

* * *

Once again the Blue Team won. This time, a former Marina named Jango won the challenge.

He would be out of the next competition due to injuries, so he was thankful for his immunity.

**Dragon: **So we lost another challenge. No big deal, right? Now we know not to trust Inazuma and his team. We're going to be focused on winning from now on.

**Red Team Slave (Tom): **I've been touched in ways I've never been touched before.

**Blue Team Slave (Dawn): **Oh yeah, I knew we would win. We have strong team mates and really work together!

**Blue Team Slave #2 (Louie): **That was a hard hit, that hand. Am I still a virgin anymore?

**Tom: **We should use our washroom buckets to gather water and splash it on Crocodile. I'm sure it would work.

**A hand rips comes out of the sand and strangled Tom.**

**Crocodile, to the camera: **Kuaha, looks like we've got out elimination. Tune in next time for a very _hot _competition. Until next time, I'm Crocodile. Betray me and I will kill you. Good-night, pals.

* * *

Sanji landed in a tree. He was tangled in thick branched.

Zoro lung to Luffy and commanded him to bring them down safely.

Which he did.

"Well, thanks to Captain Bringdown-" Luffy began.

"Hey!" Zoro snapped.

"...Zoro took away our big smash. Oh well, on to the next plan!"

"What?"

"Bungee jumping! ...Where's Sanji?"

* * *

Robin joined Crocodile on the beach. They sat in the sand and drank some non-alcoholic beverages (because alcohol is bad, kids. At least in public, where cameras are hidden all over the place and hoping for you to get drunk and make a fool out of yourself. So drink at home, kids! It's really fun.)

"Look at those slaves," Robin commented. "How can you just watch them, not at all feeling for their pain?"

"I do feel their pain," Crocodile responded. "And I feel _great_."

"I hate you."

"That's nice. Hey, Dragon! Inazuma!"

Dragon and Inazuma gave eachother dirty looks and ran to Crocodile and Robin.

"Robin!" Dragon muttered.

"Great rescuing skills," Crocodile said sarcastically. "Now dance for my amusement!"

"You're a horrible person!"

"Just hope the baby doesn't take after you, Crocodile," Robin said.

"Baby?" Dragon asked. "Crocodile, another kid?"

Crocodile spat out his drink in shock.

"Time to get back to work!" Crocodile cried out. "Robin, back on your set, _now!_"


	9. Hell's Doctor's Office

**Commercial: Haru Haru Haroic**

* * *

Hips swaying seductively, a wig of long silvery hair. Make-up all over her face, scarlet-colored cheeks and lips. Tight, revealing clothing, stilettos...

Crocodile's back was turned away.

"Hello," came a soft voice.

Crocodile turned and said, "Miss Doublefinger? How nice to see you. Listen, I need help building a-"

"I'm not Miss DoubleD's."

"Huh? Then who are..."

The girl's hands grew sharp and silvery, sparkling brightly.

"Mr. 1," she said.

Crocodile's jaw dropped.

"I feel much more comfortable in my new body," Miss 1 said. "Thanks to Emporio Ivankov and his Devil Fruit, I can finally feel comfortable in my own skin."

Crocodile's jaw dropped even more.

* * *

**Show: Hell's Doctor's Office**

**Based on: Hell's Kitchen**

**Starring: Chopper**

* * *

"Hello," Chopper said to the competitors. "I'm Chopper, your host and judge. Today I'll teach you how to cure several small but common illnesses, such as the common cold, or canc-"

"Are you _really _the judge of this contest?" one slave-competitor asked. "You look awfully puny. And short and hairy."

"That's not nice!" Chopper roared. "You're fired! Leave this plane _now!_"

"Ha ha, what can _you _do?"

Chopper turned into his human form and threw the slave off the set.

The other competitors gasped and straightened up.

"Now, tell me your names so I can get to know you!" Chopper said cheerfully.

"Miss 1!"

"Tashigi!"

"Hina."

"Pandaman!"

"Axe-Hand Morgan."

"Shanks, luv. Uh...How did I get here again?"

"Hatchan!"

"Arlong."

"All right!" Chopper made an extra-cute face. "Tashigi, Miss 1, Hina, Morgan, Team One! Everybody else, Team Two!"

"Aw, no!" Hatchan wailed. "I have to work with _Arlong_?"

"Hey, you're no picnic, either!" Arlong snapped at him. "If we weren't slaves and I wasn't afraid of the doctor I'd slug you."

"Quiet" Chopper shrieked. "Do you guys _want _to be certified doctors and help people or not?"

"No."

Chopper cracked his knuckled and growled. "How 'bout this? Do you like keeping your limbs?"

"Y-y-y-yes."

"Good!" Chopper returned to his sweet demeanor. "Now, let's go gather some ingredients for medicine, my new friends!"


	10. One Shore

**Show: One Shore**

**Based on: Jersey Shore**

**Starring: Tanned grown adults who act like children with brain damage.**

* * *

"Are you sure about this?" Nami asked Robin. "Shouldn't we gather up forces before antagonizing Crocodile?"

"Don't worry," Robin assured her. "This will work just fine: we create a reality show so bad, so _vile_ and _unwatchable_, people will tune the show out. The network loses credibility and viewership. Lather, rinse, repeat until Crocodile's television empire falls."

And ACTION!

The show starred Robin, Nami, Sanji (still bundled in bandages, now covered in twigs and mud), Brook, a strange creature named Snookie they found on the beach(names so because it snores and likes cookies), a girl named Rawnie and an amnesiac slave called Luna Poshceider.

"Like, O.M.G." Roin said vapidly. "Like, let's, um, paint our nails! And stuff."

"ZoLu," Luna muttered. "Why does that sound so familiar?"

"Maybe we should help Luna get back those lost memories?" Nami suggested."

"ZoLu...Dr...Dra-"

"Okay! Brook, let me do your nails!"

"Let me see your panties," Brook retorted.

"Why, I..."

"Yes, fight," Robin whispered. "And like the idiots you are and sink our ratings...!"

"What was that, Robin?"

"...Nothing."

"Drac...Drac..." Luna mumbled.

"X. Drake?" Snookie grumbled. "Are you thinking about him?"

"Let's get drunk and go partying!" Robin suggested.

Everyone cheered and agreed.

Within four minutes they were all drinking on the beach.

"I'm so wasted!" Robin lied to the camera. In truth she was just drinking frothy mugs of water. "I'm willing to hook up with _anybody!_"

"Anybody?"

She turned behind her to see Crocodile.

"What are you doing here, Crocodile?"

"Watching over my show!"

"Huh?"

"You and your housemates are throwing up on my beach and making out with the contestants on Survivor."

* * *

"You know," Brook said to a slave as the camera panned to him. "...I want to _bone _you, girlie!"

"No thanks!" the slave whined. "And I'm a guy!"

"Get it?"

"Uh-"

"SKULL JOKE!"

Brook burst out laughing and put his arm around the nervous slave.

* * *

Luna was sitting in the corner and reading a book while Nami was drinking several slaves under the table.

She noticed Luna's book and grabbed it.

"What are you doing?" Nami screamed. "You can't act like a smarty-pants!"

"What?" Luna was confused.

"We _need _to act like drunken, drooling morons if we want to get out of here! Now get drunk with us!"

"Uh..."

* * *

"Should you be drinking?" Crocodile asked her. "Being pregnant and all..."

Robin slurred, "Of course I should! If I don't drink, another pregnant girl will! Besides, I'm a _stupid, spoiled _brat."

Robin made sure to say it clearly in front of the camera. She felt herself dying inside because of it.

Crocodile winked at her and said just as clearly, "Are you the wildest, stupidest, spoildest brat here?"

"...Yes. Yes!"

"Then do me."

Robin spat out her water in surprise. "What?"

"Right here, right now. In front of the cameras."

"But you can't show that on T.V."

"It'll be for my private stash. Come on, prove to me what a slutty, bratty little whore you a-"

Robin threw her mug of water and Crocodile and lunged at him.

* * *

**A/N: This would have been finished yesterday, but I accidentally deleted the first draft. I do, however, think it was for the best. Now I have the story going in a new direction.**


	11. One Shore Pt 2 and Sanji

**Show: One Shore / Sanji**

**Based on: Jersey Shore / Maury**

**Starring: More tanned grown adults acting like children with brain damage**

* * *

Nami and the slaves around her stopped drinking and turned towards the fight.

"Drac...Draco..." Luna was about to remember something when she noticed the fight.

Brook stopped trying to tickle some funny bones and noticed the fight.

Sanji stopped being forcibly harassed by okamas sexually rubbing against him in dance to notice the fight.

Rawnie stopped curing all the diseases in the world to notice the fight.

In short, everybody noticed the fight.

Robin punched Crocodile in the face. Crocodile laughed. Robin dug her nails into his neck. Crocodile growled and tried to push her off.

"Go, Robin!" Nami cheered. A few people cheered, too. The rest feared to do so in case Crocodile won.

Robin clung to Crocodile and started screaming at his face.

"Hey, stop it!" Crocodile snapped. "Get...get off of me!"

Then he smiled. Not that Robin noticed. "That's right," he whispered to her. "You do that, and move to the left so the camera can get a better shot."

Robin gasped and stopped fighting him.

_Oh no, _Robin thought. _What's come over me? Why am I acting like a...like..._

"I'm acting like a brat!" Robin cried out. "A spoiled brat who can't handle teasing!"

"Yes!" Crocodile cackled. "You've become the very thing you were faking yourself as."

"When my plan didn't go as I planned...I freaked. I should have remained calm and found a way to get you to leave me alone. Why was I so impulsive?"

"Because you're a strong woman who deserves respect!" Nami told her.

"Shut up, Ginger!" Crocodile snapped as he got up from the ground. ""You're just like your father!"

Nami gasped.

"You know my father?" Nami gasped. "Tell me!"

"Don't listen to him, Robin!" Robin told her. "I mean, Nami. Ha ha, cut!"

"Don't listen to him, Nami!" Robin told her. "It's a trick, you can't trust a word from his dirty, lying mouth."

"Ho, _you're _the one with the dirty mouth," Crocodile said to Robin.

Everybody gasped.

"Why, you-"

"It's alright, Robin!" Nami said to her. "Crocodile, who is my father. Tell me now!"

"Alright," Crocodile chuckled. "You'll find out...on my next television show!"

Everybody groaned.

"What?"

"That's right, a new show! My show will be about people finding out who's the babydaddy out of a possibly fourteen men, average."

"That's a horrible idea!" Nami cried. "Why can't you just tell me now, instead of torturing me?"

"Because this way, I can torture you and more people in other ways."

* * *

Dragon woke up on the beach the next day.

"Woah, what happened?" Dragon asked himself groggily.

"You got drunk, that's what?" came a reply from Inazuma. He was also on the floor, sounding very groggy.

Dragon struggled to turn his head and see that a lot of the other slaves here passed out.

"Partying with those girls," Dragon said, a blush growing on his face."

"Yeah," Inazuma laughed. "Did I tell you I got lucky that night?"

"Really? You lucky dog! With who?"

"I dunno, some girl named Brook. I think it was a girl; it had no organs, you see."

"Sounds hot."

"I know, right? Well, I _think _we did it?"

"Think?"

"Well, I remember asking her if she wanted to bone, and she agreed. Then she said, and he had a guy's voice, by the way. I think she's a smoker-"

"Uh huh."

"So she's all like, 'SKULL JOKE!' and laughs in my face."

"Uh huh."

"She put her arm around me and then I blacked out."

"Uh huh."

"I'm finished."

"Oh ho..."

"_Did_ I score?"

"Hmmm...sure you did, buddy. Sure you did."

* * *

Sanji was covered in lipstick from an okama, twigs from the tree, sand and mud from the ground and bandages.

Nevertheless, Crocodile demanded that he hosted his newest show.

So there Sanji was, propped against a chair, a microphone taped to one hand and cue card in the other.

There were six chairs in the middle of the stage, three of them filled. Filled by Nami, Luffy and Robin.

"Why am I here?" Luffy asked.

"You'll find out soon, s..." Crocodile said from his booth. He was talking through a microphone.

"Alright!" Sanji said, possibly. He was muffled by the bandages. "I Mrph fuu knou phu fhur phaffer iph, Naphi. I waph Yu tph knphw thpht Ph sphmpphthphzph wphth pjou."

"What?" Nami asked.

"Ph sphmpphthphzph wphth pjou."

"Okay?"

"Nphw, brphng phut thph fphrst gphphst!"

Shanks stumbled from behind the stage and sat in an empty chair.

The audience booed.

"What the hell?" Robin asked. "Why'd they boo?"

"Skanks!" Luffy cried out happily.

"Cut!" Crocodile said.

"Shanks!" Luffy cried out happily.

"'ello, Luffy!" Shanks said warmly. "'ow's me 'at?"

"Just fine, thank you!"

"And is your brother still dead?"

"..."

The audience OOOOOH'd.

"Phnphugh!" Sanji declared. Or sneezed. "Tphm tph knphw whph Nphmph-sphm's fphfr phs."

"What are you doing here?" Luffy asked Shanks.

"Well, long story, Luffy, my boy!" Shanks said. "You see, when Crocodile told me to come here, I did."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"That's it."

"Oooooh."

"Nphmph," Sanji said to Nami. "Ph tphphk ph bpht phf yphur hphir phnd dphd ph DNph tphst. Crphcphdphlphe gpht meph Shphnk's hphir."

"He's going to prove who your father is with a DNA test, Red," Crocodile told them.

"Oh, really?" Nami asked. Her eyes then grew wide as she turned towards Shanks.

"But I already know who my father is!" Shanks laughed. "'e's dead!"

"Thph rphsphlts phre ph; Shphnks, yphu PHRE Nphmph-sphn's fphffr!"

The audience whooped and hollered. _YOU ARE THE FATHER _flashed at the bottom of the screen.

"Holy crocs!" Crocodile exclaimed. "I just _guessed _that Shanks was Red's father! I mean, they both had red hair and all, but I didn't actually think-"

"Enough!" Robin snapped. She got up from her chair and walked off-stage.

"Why was she on stage anyway?" Luffy asked. "And why am _I _here?"

Sanji gave a muffled answer. Nami responded by angrily ripping off some bandages on Sanji's mouth.

"YOW!" Sanji screamed. "As I was saying...geez, Nami! Ouch much?"

"Sorry."

"As I was saying, I was curious about Captain Luffy's mother."

"Huh?" Luffy turned to him curiously. "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Sanji?"

"Ivankov got me hairs from all the females on the island. A lot of them from the beach party last night."

"Ew, you sick freak!"

"I was trying to help you! He also got me the hairs of people who were once women but were changed to men."

"Why?"

"I was curious!"

"That would explain the make-up and crossdressing..."

"SHUT UP! AS I WAS SAYING, I wanted to know about Luffy's mother, because you know they'll write her into the plot sometime!"

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"I wanted to get some spoilers, plox. And I found out something _interesting _about Luffy's mother."

* * *

Robin walked in on Crocodile.

Crocodile was in his chair, smoking some marijuana.

"Crocodile, what are you doing?" Robin screeched.

"What...?" Crocodile muttered.

"Drugs are bad, m'kay! Drugs are very, very bad! They damage your mind and ruin your life!"

"Kuahaha..."

"I'm serious! It's very dangerous to do drugs! Not to mention, the dangers you put everyone else in...Not...that...you don't put everyone around you in danger regularly, but still! Drugs are dangerous and marijuana is a gateway drug! Soon you'll get into stronger, even deadlier stuff until you finally overdose and die!"

"Kuahaha, it's like...you just go on and on and on and on and on-"

"Crocodile!"

"Sorry. It's really trippy listening to you talk, you know that?"

* * *

"So who is my mom?" Nami asked.

"You see," Sanji explained to the audience. "This girl found her as a baby, right after there was a battle and everyone died. This lady-chick adopted them. And then she died."

The audience awed sympathetically.

"My mom?" Nami asked again.

"Oh, right, your mum," Shanks chuckled. "Right little angel, she was! Oh, how I loved her so."

"What was she like."

"Oh, she was nice as rum and was the village bicycle."

"My mom was a slut?"

"Yes, that too. Whore of the village, ha ha!"

"Well, what happened to her?"

"She got tired of my drinking and ran away with a man named Will."

"Oh no! But why?"

"I don't know, luv! She loved to drink with me all night! Why, when she was pregnant she would drink for the two of you. She said that helped her win drinking contests."

"What."

"But after she left I sort of...got drunk, wandered off and had a pirate adventure."

"Well...do you know what happened to Mom after she left you for Will?"

"Dear, Elizabeth...uh, if I remember correctly...Will went on an adventure with a sexually-ambiguous drunk captain. Lizzy adopted a boy and named it after Will. And then she was caught by fishmen and became a sex slave."

"Oh no!"

"But it's okay, luv! Happy endings all around?"

"Really? What happened to her?"

"She escaped and hurled herself off a cliff, ha ha!"

"That's horrible!"  
"At least she's not in danger anymore, sweetums."

* * *

"One Piece is a light-hearted action-comedy, we don't need drugs."

"But it makes the series more interesting."

"Drugs are bad!"

"Have you tried any?"

Robin blinked. "What?" She asked.

"Have you tried any? Drugs?"

"Well, no..."

"Then how do you know they are bad?"

"Because they _are_!"

"Try them. I got them from Dragon. He likes them, he's an okay guy."

"I don't think so."

"Come on!"

"No!"

"Come _on, _you prude."

"What?"

"And it's not like it'll hurt the baby..."

"Well..."

Robin was handed the blunt. Just as she was about to smoke it, Luffy burst into the room.

"Mommy!" Luffy cried out angrily.

Robin dropped the blunt in surprise.


	12. Multiple

**Shows: Multiple**

**Based on: Multiple**

**Starring: Multiple**

* * *

"How could you do such horrible things, Mommy?" Luffy screamed. Nami and Shanks were behind him.

"What are you talking about, Captain?" Robin asked.

"Crocodile is my mother!"

"It's true," Nami said. "Sanji did a DNA test."

"I want rum," Shanks added.

Nami gave her dad a look.

"Well, I do..."

"Uh oh," Crocodile muttered. He was turning into sand when Luffy inhaled and spat on Crocodile, forcing him back into his normal self.

"What was that for?" Crocodile grunted. "Wait...I'm you're mother?"

"Yes!"

"I thought Dragon was talking about Robin's baby. Oh yeah, I remember: I was a Revolutionary. I was Monkey D. Croquette."

"What?"

"Your father took my name. But then we had a falling-out on how the Revolutionary should have been run, so I left."

"Well, okay!" Luffy said warmly. "Let's you, me and Dad become a happy family again! Let's forget all the fighting we've done and let's go look for One Piece!"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because Robin's new show _One Shore_ is a smash-hit!"

"What?" Robin asked in disbelief.

"Yes! Turns out people like trash-TV a lot more than people acting maturely or working hard."

"In other words, less like what they are on the outside and more like what they are on the inside?" Shanks put in.

"That's deep, Daddy," Nami said.

"Inhibitions, hun. Hun? Hun?"

"Yes?"

"Would you like to spend time with me? I thought you died in the battle-"

"Who would put a baby in a battle?"

"...but I want to at least _try _to recover the years I lost."

Everyone awed.

Crocodile took the chance and escaped.

"Come on, 'ow 'bout a piggyback ride?" Shanks asked his daughter.

"Uh...I don't think so," Nami said.

"Come on! 'fraid your old man isn't strong enough to lift his daughter?"

"Okay..."

She hopped on Shanks's back. Unfortunately, she was right in hesitating: he started to tip over and fell out the door and down the stairs.

"Nami!" Sanji cried out. He heroically ripped through his bandages and ran towards her and Shanks.

"Sanji!" Nami cried out.

"Hehe, look, a ban upside-down! Oh, wait, _I'm _the one upside-down..."

Sanji jumped forward and grabbed the two by the collars. He did a backflip and landed safely on the ground.

The audience cheered.

"I didn't know you could do that!" Nami exclaimed. "You're my hero, Sanj!"

Sanji felt like he was melting with the heat of love.

"Is this your boyfriend, luv?" Shanks asked.

"He is NOT!" Nami yelled.

"Red and yellow make orange!"

"Enough! Let's just you and me go spend time together."

"Not so fast." Crocodile said, appearing behind them as a sand-version of himself. "Nami, back to work on your show."

"What?" Nami asked.

"And Shanks, clean up the mess your daughter and her friends made with her party."

"A party-girl is she?" Shanks laughed. "Youth!"

"Yeah, the Snookie thing drank itself to death. Have fun cleaning that."

"Haha...oh, bugger."

* * *

Chopper had everyone prepare medicine made from herbs.

Hatchan was trying to collect all his herbs, but Arlong would sneak up behind him and scare him, or even outright trip or shove him.

"Traitor," Arlong would mumble. He drove Hatchan furious!

"That's not nice!" Hatchan snapped.

Chopper hovered over them and said, "What's all the commotion, boys? Having a nice little talk instead of working?"

"No, no!"

"Good. Because if I find you slacking, you're getting a slugging."

Chopper then gave a childish laugh and walked off.

* * *

Crocodile and Chopper sat on the beach and overlooked the drunken salves that lay passed out on the sand.

"How come you never told me, Mommy?" Luffy asked his mom-dad.

"I never knew you existed," Crocodile said. "Well, I knew you existed, I just never got to know you before...And how was I supposed to know the kid I tried to kill was my son?"

"It still wasn't nice...Grandpa was really mean!"

"Yeah, Dad is a handful, isn't he? Kuahaha."

"Did he train you to fight as hard, too?"

"Yeah, sure! Not too much, because I was his little princess."

"Mommy?"

"Don't call me that."

"Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"A high-ranking member of the Navy's daughter becoming a Revolutionary, a guy and a Shichibukai?"

"Oh..."

"So, uh...anything new?"

"My brother died..."

"Sounds like fun."

"WHAT?"

"Eh, kidding. So you know about your brother or sister?"

"Eh?"

"Robin's baby."

"Oh, yeah. No. Yeah, maybe. Robin said she was pregnant, I didn't know she was also having a baby!"

"Huh."

"What?"

"You take after your grandfather. Looks like stupidity skips a generation."

"You're mean, Mommy!"

Crocodile turned to the ocean and said, "Storm's a-brewin'."

"Huh?" Luffy was confused.

"I just know, kid."

"eh..."

"I'm being philosophical, you brat!"

"OH! Who's Phil? Phil's Esophagus?"

"Argh!"

* * *

"This zucchini is delicious!" Robin told Sanji. "Glad you're finally getting to do something."

"You're welcome!" Sanji laughed. "Zucchini is wodnerful and good for you. Eh, I still have some mud, twigs and make-up on me."

"Yep?"

"Mind giving me a sponge-bath? I'm still a little sore and..."

"..."

"But you can make so many hands! You don't have to _see _anything!"  
Rawnie ran up and glomped Sanji, screeching, "I'll bathe you, Sanji! But after I save Bege from the New World, defeat Kidd because he's jealous I'm the Twelfth Supernova and have a higher bounty, defeat Mihawk AGAIN and find One Piece."

"Go away!" Sanji screamed. "I don't like you! You play too rough."

"Let's get drunk and party!" Brook announced. "Rawnie, mind showing me your panties?"

"Okay!" Rawnie said cheerfully. "They're in my room. And take a look at my bras, too!"

"Really?"

"Yep! And my shirts and socks and all my dirty clothes."

"You kinky girl, you!"

"...While you do the laundry."

"D'oh!"

* * *

Dragon was now puking up a storm behind some plants. He noticed Inazuma on the ground, complaining about a headache.

"Hangover," Dragon informed him.

"I never drank so much at once in my life," Inazuma said, trying very hard to sound composed. "How can we play today?"

"Crocodile told me he killed all the other competitors, so it's just us two. Whoever dies of alcohol poisoning first wins."

"Looks like that may be me..."

"But I know Crocodile didn't kill the slaves, since they've taken up the washrooms, leaving me here."

"And me."

"Yes, of course."

* * *

"And he's lost it, everybody!" Ivankov cheered. "No, I'm joking! And he's _won _it, everybody!"  
Mr. 2 blew kisses into the crowd as he accepted a large, heart-shaped trophy from his idol.

"Thank you, Queen Ivankov!" Mr. 2 cried. "This means so much coming from you."

"I don like you, you're nasty."

Mr. 2 gasped in shock. His world immediately fell apart.

"No, I'm joking! I like you, you're sweet as sugar!"

...and repaired itself just as quickly.

"I love you, Ivankov!" Mr. 2 said. The audience repeated.

"Now let's forget our troubles with zucchini!" Ivankov declared. He then whispered to Mr. 2, "And as the winner, you can help me in my escape plan."

Just then, a terrible rumbling was heard.

The Den Den Mushi behind them started to crumble as a large ship crashed through.


	13. Multiple 2: Electric Boogaloo

**Show: Multiple**

**Based on: Multiple**

**Guest Starring: Inuyasha, Kagome, Naraku (Inuyasha)**

* * *

The ship had a figurehead of a smiling pumpkin with crescent moon-shaped eyes and a smile.

A girl wearing a cape and a bandana appeared atop the figurehead.

"What do _you_ want, girlie?" Mr. 2 snapped. "You're ruining my big moment!"

"Where's my Sanji-kun?" the pirate roared.

"He's dead!" Ivankov announced.

The pirate gasped.

"No, he's alive! Follow me, Pirate Girl, my boy!"

* * *

"Inazuma, Dragon," Crocodile began. "I see that you two are still alive."

"You're not going to hurt them, are you, Mommy?" Luffy asked. "Because I'll _kill _you if you hurt Dad."

"Of course not, honey...Grr. They're going to be having a drinking contest."

"Oh, not that," Inazuma grumbled.

"We're both still a little hung over," Dragon muttered.

"...To the death!"

"Oh, cool!" Luffy exclaimed.

* * *

"One more chug, luv," Shanks laughed.

"No," Nami said critically.

"Why not?"

"You'll get sick!"

"What? No I won't."

"You'll get sick and...and I'm worried."

"What?"

"I just met you as family; to just lose you so soon because you were an idiot."

"You won't lose me!"

"Yes, I will! If you don't stop drinking...!"

"Drinking won't kill me, luv. You wanna know why?"

"Uh-"

"Because I have scurvy."

"What?"

"I'm not sure what it does, but it _sounds _deadly."

"Well, I can help with that! Do you like fruit."

"No, I like rum."

"You'll need to eat fruit to-"

"Fruit filled with rum?"

"No!"

"Fruit-shaped rum?"

"Maybe we should just talk to Chopper."

"A Chopper of rum?"

* * *

"Inuyasha!" Kagoma screamed.

"Kagome!" Inuyasha screamed.

"Inuyasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Inuyasha!"  
"Inuyasha!"

"Inuyasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Inuyasha!"  
"Kagome!"

"Kagome!"

"Naraku!" Naraku announced.

Luffy ran in and punched Naraku in the face.

"Yes!" Luffy announced. He stole this Jewel from Naraku and left.

"What was that?" Inuyasha asked

"The Jewel...!" Naraku screamed.

"We can kill Naraku now!" Kagome said.

"No," Inuyasha said. He turned to Naraku and suggested, "We'll go wander around until you're strong enough to fight and drag the series out longer, okay?"

"Yeah, okay," Naraku said.

* * *

Sanji was there in the bathtub, cowering before Rawnie.

"Come on, Sanji-kun!" Rawnie said.

Just then, Ivankov and the pirate girl burst through the wall, ignoring the fully-functioning door.

"What are you guys doing here?" Rawnie asked angrily.

"Saving Sanji-kun!" the pirate responded.

"You forget, this is all live right now!" Ivankov giggled.

"_Sanji-kun?_" Rawnie screeched. "He's _mine_, along with Coby!"

"Care to fight me for him?"

"Ladies, ladies!" Sanji said. "NO need to fight over little old _moi_. Pirate girl, justkick her in the shins and free me."

"Fight! Fight!" Ivankov said. "It's good for the ratings! Not to mention, it'll create a good distraction while we escape."

Seeing as there wasn't enough room in the washroom as it was, the pirate and Rawnie ran outside and prepared to fight.

"I must warn you," the pirate said. "I'm fighting for love here."

"And _I _must warn _you_!" Rawnie snorted. "_I'm _a Supernova, born in the New World, Gol D. Roger's daughter, Silvers's half-cousin and baby-sitter, have the power of seven Devil Fruits, fluent in Japanese-"

Capone Bege then got drunk and punched Rawnie in the face.

* * *

"Here you go, Mommy!" Luffy said, handing the Jewel to Crocodile.

"Thanks, kiddo," Crocodile responded. "A lovely birthday present."

"Where's mine?"

"What?"

"Roughly, you missed around eighteen of _my_ birthdays."

"Yeah, so?"

"So...What are you going to get me?"

"Er..."

"I know! _One_ thing to make up for it all."

"What?"

"You free everyone."


	14. Season Finale

**Show: Multiple**

**Based on: Multiple**

**Starring: Multiple**

* * *

"Alright!" Ivankov said to the slave masses. "We must give up!"

The slaves looked at him in confusion. Well, _her_, in her current form.

"We must _not _give up!" Ivankov said. "2-boy has proven himself competent enough to lead Squadron 2."

"Yes!" Mr. 2 said to himself.

"Armed to your _thighs_ with buckets of water, we can go and _rain on Croco-boy's parade!_"

The slaves let out mighty cheers.

* * *

"So what are you going to do with the Jewel, Mommy?" Luffy asked.

"Make it into a ring," Crocodile responded. "It'll look nice on my fingers, no?"

"I think it will."

"But yeah, sure, free the slaves and yadda yadda. Forget about the New World, I have bling!"

"Hooray?"

"Yes! I mean, what other reason would you have to go to the New World?"

"Are you saying that One Piece is a pile of bling?" Luffy gasped. "No, wait! Please don't tell me! No spoilers."

"Crew."

"...What?"

"Gol's crew was left of Raftel; their starved remains are One Piece, as their bodies are still in one piece."

"Aw, gross! How do you know?"

"You're right - I'm lying. Kuahaha, I can't believe you believed me!"

"You're not nice, Mommy!"

* * *

Arlong tripped Hatchan, causing the basin Hatchan was carrying to fall out of his hands and shatter against the floor.

"How do you feel, loser?" Arlong laughed wickedly. "Siding with the humans, _pa_-thetic!"

Hatchan held himself back, not wanting to draw Chopper's attention. Instead, he grabbed a dust pan and broom from across the room.

Unfortunately, Arlong decided to fight him for the mop.

"What's going on here?" Hatchan asked.

"Let me get it," Arlong said mischievously.

Chopper ran towards them and gave them a questioning look.

"I want to help," Arlong informed him. "Hatchan was clumsy enough to break something; I just want to clean up forhin.

"What?" Hatchan screamed. "I know you're up to something! _You're _the one who tripped me anyhow!"

"You two, stop it!" Chopper snapped.

"Sorry," Arlong said innocently. "I just wanted to help out my _good friend._"

"You're so nice, Arlong!"

Hatchan was struggling to hold in his anger.

Didn't work.

"See here, darn it!" Hatchan screamed into Arlong's face. "I'm tired of you bullying people around. I'm tired of you hurting people and blaming it on your _troubled past_. Stop being such a petty, nasty brat and leave me alone!"

The room fell silent and everyone turned towards them. Miss 1 stopped cutting up herbs with her Devil Fruit powers and sighed.

"See here, boys," Miss 1 said, sounding flirtatious and moving her hips around not unlike the way Miss Doublefinger did. "Let's just forget our problems and concentrate on making medici-"

Hatchan punched Arlong square in the jaw.

Before Chopper could do anything, Nami and Shanks walked into the room.

* * *

"So now what are you going to do, Mommy?" Luffy asked.

"I'm not sure," Crocodile said. "Maybe...I'm a wanted criminal, so, uh...hmmm. Mind if Mommy hitches a ride?"

"Sure! Just don't expect everyone to welcome you with open arms, considering you made us all slaves."

"You're right. Ah, I'll think I'll stay here, son."

Inazuma stood over Dragon, who was now passed out.

"Did I win the drinking contest?" Inazuma asked.

"What?" Crocodile asked. "Oh, sure, whatever."

"I'm free."

"Yep. Everybody's free now."

"Weee~"

Descending from high above the trees were Mr. 2 and Ivankov.

"Prepare for trouble, Croco-boy!" Ivankov giggled.

"And make it double!" Mr. 2 said. "Oh, hi, Luffy!"

"To protect the slaves from tyranation!"

"To unite the peoples within every nation."

"To denounce the evils of-"

"I'm freeing the slaves," Crocodile told them.

"Oh?"

"Yes."

"We did it?" Mr. 2 asked."WE DID IT!"

Ivankov and Mr. 2 then did a dance to a jaunty tune.

* * *

The slaves and Mr.1 were taken in by the Revolutionaries. Marines and/or big bad bosses would use their own ships or hitch a ride with anyone willing to take them, or used their own ships.

Crocodile saw Luffy and his crew off.

"I'll miss you, Mommy," Luffy said to him.

"Have fun, kid," Crocodile said. "I hope to never see your sniveling face again."

"Huh?"

"Next time I see you,expect a serious fight. You got that?"

Luffy smiled. "Got it."

Luffy entered the Thousand Sunny.

"You found my dad for me," Nami said. "Um...thanks."

"No problem," Crocodile responded. "But don't tell anyone I was actually _nice, bella._"

"Trust me, I won't!"

"Where's your dad anyway?"

"Chopper is in the ship, taking care of him. He got a buttload of medicine from his show, thanks to the contestants."

"Sneaky bugger!"

Nami entered the ship.

"Aren't you going back with them?" Crocodile asked Sanji.

"No thank you," Sanji said stiffly. "I have decided, under my own free will, to join that pirate girl for a while."

"Uh-huh."

"I am not being forced in anyway to make this decision."

"Really."

"And I most definitely will not _need help _escaping."

"Yes, of course."

"...Help."

"Have fun now."

The pirate girl hugged Sanji and started to drag him off.

"Maybe this won't be so bad," Sanji said with a smile. He gave the girl a hug.

Zoro and Crocodile nodded. Zoro entered the ship.

Usopp, Franky and Brook entered the ship, ignoring Crocodile.

"Good bye, Mama Crocodile," Robin said with a smirk.

"Bye," Crocodile said gruffly.

"Maybe I should stay with you. You seem to do the worst bit of damage without me."

"That's because your stupidity either gets in the way or you nag me."

"And you're a pompous jerk."

"Go with Luffy and your friends. They can make you forget."

"Forget what?"

"The feeling you were ever alone at any time."

Robin nodded solemnly and entered the ship.

Crocodile stayed on the island.

* * *

He spent several weeks on the island, catching any newpapers in the wind, hoping to hear about the Revolutionaries, the Strawhats, anybody.

One newspaper did. One of the pages had his dearest love in the right-hand corner, very hard to spot at first glance.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this," Crocodile said to the picture as he looked at the sea. "I was supposed to be the first one to go. I always used to kid you about you going first."

He spent half the day looking at the beach. Then he walked over to the One Shore house and pulled out a nail. It took careful precision and a lot of time, but he managed to nail the picture to the wall, next to pictures of Dragon and the Revolutionaries, a few Baroque Works members and the Strawhats.

"You had no right to leave me that way!" he screamed.

He curled himself up and set below the pictures.

He should have joined the Revolutionaries, the Strawhats, _anybody_. Now he was alone on the island,hiding from the Government when he could be with friends.

_Well_, people who hated him but still hung around with him.

"I don't want to be alone anymore," he whispered. "Friends are so nice and-"

There was a knock at the door. A smile grew on Crocodile's face.

He opened the door to see the

* * *

**End.**

**Thanks for reading!**


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